Is it wrong to want more when our lives are already good?
What’s up with that nagging sense of longing we sometimes have?
And how do we know if what we want is a God-thing or an us-thing?
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I let this go?
Why can't I let this go?
I sat at my computer, doing secret internet searches in our upstairs playroom with my young children playing nearby.
As I did so, I inwardly chided myself for what I was looking at.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I let this go?
It’s probably not what you think.
I was looking at international adoption websites. They all had the requisite pictures of cute kids, and beautiful families. Each webpage had a button to click for more information. Numbers to call. The sites felt kinda sales-y which made me pull back from the screen a bit, like I was being approached by a used car salesman when I really just wanted to walk around the dealership floor, invisible, and poke my nose up to the windows of the cars to peek inside.
This scenario played itself out, in various ways, for several years.
I berated myself—you have three healthy boys—the very BEST boys in the world.
Why can’t you just be happy?
What if you and Brent go to ________ (country) and they steal your passport and your money and you can’t get back to the boys?
You’ve got a good thing going here. What if there’s a problem with the child you bring home and it wrecks your family?
And this kicker:
Am I just being selfish?
This is a super-personal story—but I share it because I find this type of thought pattern to be pretty persistent throughout my life. It’s more of a thought circle. And based on my work in professional and personal development, I am not alone.
The "Vicious-Circle" Thought Loop
Inside our minds, this little voice pipes up:
"I want _________...."
And a much louder, mean-bossy voice tries to SHUT THAT VOICE DOWN!
"WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? WHAT A DUMB IDEA!!!"
And the little voice, chastised, retreats for a time.
For a time, I said–
But you still feel bad for having had the "selfish" thought. And the little voice–that persistent "What if?" comes back again, along with the loud, mean mocking one immediately following.
Repeat this pattern, ad infinitum.
Is it wrong to want more when our lives are already good?
So this repetitive thought circle? I’ve lived a while, and I can name several big-deal ideas and countless smaller-deal ideas where this has played out. Surely I’m not the only one?
Here’s what we can learn:
Check your heart. Its attitude. ✅ ❤️ 🧭
Think of your heart—and by heart, I really mean for the term “heart” to encompass your mind, your will, and your emotions. Compare your heart to a satellite dish. Remember those? That’s how we got good tv back in the day! Getting it set up though, was a process. The technician would have to come to your house, find the best placement so it could be programmed to point toward the right place in the sky to pick up the signal.
Your attitude in this case means the direction your heart points.
One of the blockages in the scenario I described is that my heart–mind, my will, and my emotions were trying to pull in different directions.
My want-to was toward growing our family through adoption, but my mind was fighting to keep me comfortable and safe.
Here’s the deal, though—
ALL of me needs to be submitted to God.
THAT’S the key attitude or positional direction.
My mind changes all the time, but God’s will remains the same.
So if I submit every part of me to Him, then the various parts of me, and my many ideas and motivations can start to line up with a more singular direction.
One of the best ways I know to check my heart’s attitude is to do an audit of what I’m thinking about most.
What am I seeking? Is there some persistent "wanna" that keeps bubbling up to the surface?
This isn’t a suggestion to make us be all judgy and mean to ourselves. Loser—you KNOW you’re not supposed to be thinking about that!!
So is it God or is it me?
Think – um, about what you're thinking about – like a detective.
A big red flag you aren’t being a God-first seeker comes in the form of, “I’ll be happy if / when”.
Some examples:
I’ll be happy when I can finally lose this weight.
I’ll be happy when I can finally get that job.
I’ll be happy when my kids are back in school.
I’ll be happy when I can get that better car. Or have better clothes.
I’ll be happy if the people at work quit being so dumb.
Or if my kids start behaving.
You get the idea.
This kind of thinking indicates that your hope is in an event, a person, a relationship, or an accomplishment.
And all of those can be great, but they shouldn’t be what we are seeking first.
Matthew 6 has a really famous passage where Jesus Himself talks about how the entire world is seeking after all the same things. AND He affirms that, yes, we DO all have needs to be met. But then he makes a distinction that clearly differentiates all of us from some of us:
Those who operate outside of Him have no choice but to go out and try to make those things happen for themselves. They have to spend their time seeking all the things because they are not letting God be their provider.
But He says that those who seek first God and choose to let Him order their lives will have the things that they need added to them BY God.
So, if we want to determine whether our "wannas" are coming from God or from us, figuring out what place we are giving to God is key.
Being a God-first seeker is not so much an event, but more a series of events—like a satellite dish that needs to keep being adjusted and re-oriented to pick up the signal.
We tune in, and seek first, and come back to do so continually. Over time, the correct orientation can become the norm.
SO, like, really, IS IT GOD? OR IS IT ME?
This leads me to share one of the biggest revelations of my adult life—I come back to this ALL THE TIME, and share it with clients and groups ALL THE TIME.
Here’s the verse:
Ready?
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
The first part of this verse, this instruction, really, is non-negotiable and is another way of saying—point your heart toward God:
Delight yourself in the Lord.
Delight yourself—I find that instruction a tiny bit intimidating—like I need to be cheerful or giddy or something.
That’s not what it means, though—studying it out I found the definition of delight to mean being soft and pliable.
So saying it like this—
Make yourself soft and pliable toward Him. Delighting yourself in the Lord means to simply let Him be Lord—make Him number one.
So that’s:
Checking your heart’s attitude. ✅ ❤️ 🧭
What’s its direction?
Once a satellite is in contact with the signal, it can display pictures and sound on our tv screens, just as our heart—our mind, will, and emotions—can be tuned into the Lord and pick up on HIS will.
Then the way the rest of that scripture:
“...and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
It’s conditional–we have to fulfill the first part–delight–be soft and pliable–be oriented toward the Lord.
AND then the "desires of your heart" being given to you part can take place.
It works two ways!
What is God's will for me?
When we are soft and pliable—submitted to God and to His will, He gives us the desires of our heart—in two ways. He PLACES a desire in our heart, and then he GRANTS us the desire by working with and through us to bring that desire to pass.
As we seek Him first, He brings us to the place where we want what He wants.
For example, when I was in college, I was a new Christian and all the other Christians around me were saying they wanted to go on the mission field—most of them to Africa. They'd say it like this: "I prayed about it and God called me to ..."
I'm going to be frighteningly honest here. That sounded awful to me. I felt guilty. These missionaries-to-be were obviously WAY more spiritual than me. And I was scared to ask God what His will for me was because what if he “called” me to go out on the mission field like them? I was barely managing my life here! I actually shied away from praying because I did not want to have to discuss this.
Which is why this scripture was such a revelation.
If God wants me to go ANYwhere, He will place a desire in me to go to that place. To do that thing.
Ok, great, but what does that look like?
I find that desire can manifest itself in different ways. Sometimes it’s just a willingness. You come across someone needing help and you think, sure, I’ll do that. Not guilt. Not compulsion. You could think of it as a sliding scale from a, “yeah, sure,” to a “heck, yes!!!!!!!!” or anywhere in between.
Other times, though, it’s more like a compass needle that keeps pointing back to the same direction.
Another story to illustrate:
We were remodeling our bathroom and I needed to pick out new tile. It is an understatement to say that I labor over such decisions--it's really quite painful. So I had gone to this cavernous tile store—a warehouse, really. The large showroom was crowded and busy that day—so many tiles and so many people!! I kept wandering around, growing more and more overwhelmed as I elbowed my way to see the various displays. I finally encountered an employee who asked if I needed help so I attempted to show him all the various options I liked but he was clearly not the guy you go to for design advice and reassurance—he was visibly impatient with my indecision as there were tons of customers still milling about who were perhaps NOT crippled with my shoppers' anxiety. I could see he was going to bolt, and whined, "But how do I know which one is the right one?"
He looked at me and said, "Usually there's one you keep going back to. And that's probably the one."
"But I keep going everywh-…”
I didn't even get to finish. He was done with me.
I looked around and was still confused but now also abandoned. But I needed to pick out a tile, and so, I kept wandering around the store, looking for “the one” to jump out at me. I found myself circling back to a few favorite displays. I kept thinking, "I like that one, but also that one…and that one over there."
And then…the aha moment! I looked at the product number only to realize the various displays I kept looking at were actually the same tile! They had been coupled with different accent tile to show options but the base tile I liked every time!
The employee who I’d thought was unhelpful was actually my secret Yoda!
The thing you keep going back to is probably “the one.”
I’d been researching options, the mean-inner-voice telling me I’d make the wrong choice and be stuck with an ugly bathroom forever, but my inner compass actually had been pulling me in the same direction all along.
Imagine a world where instead of listening to the loud mean voice telling you why what you want is stupid, or won’t work, that you instead took some time to be soft and pliable about your ideas. To examine what the quietly persistent voice is saying.
What's the thing you keep going back to? The idea or endeavor you keep circling back to in your mind? As I mentioned, I believe that's one way God calls to us–by putting this affinity in us that makes us incline a certain direction. I spent years ignoring or diminishing–even scoffing at some of these notions that would repetitively surface in my mind.
But it was like the idea would follow me, tapping on my shoulder. I might push it away or try to ridicule it into going away, but at some point, I'd sit down, get quiet and give it some attention.
Those are the ideas that have been the big difference makers, once I submitted and made myself open to them. They sometimes really were impossible or ridiculous, but why do the easy thing?
So back to the original question:
Is it wrong to want more when our lives are already good?
I guess based on what we've talked about here, it depends.
What are your motives, and what is your heart seeking?
God always has more out in front of us – the Bible says He moves us from faith to faith and from glory to glory, so if we are delighting ourselves in Him, then we can expect Him to continually be placing new desires in our hearts.
What's in your heart? Is there some dream you've kept hidden? Are there steps you could take? Some hobby you want to pursue? Some project you need to complete? If so, I feel you. And I'd love to hear about it!
And FDLS is here with tools and resources to help you move toward finding your callings, developing your potential and learning to apply faith in real life.
Become a better detective with the "Build" Journal and Mini-course.
1 Comment